thoughts on dreams and red lipstick

I used to only wear red lipstick on special occasions. I used to bypass buying trends that others may not perceive as being 'my style'. I used to order the same exact thing at any restaurant I had ever been to. I used to live in this predictability bubble. I did what I had always done because I thought it was expected of me. 

I don't think I was the only one though.

I think often, we revolve so much of who we are around who we think we have to be. At first I was going to say this falls into the realm of a mentality that women have more so than men, but most of me thinks gender is irrelevant here. We all don't like to let others down, we don't want to be embarrassed, and we do all that we can to not fall short of whoever we think we have to be. To please our parents, to please our friends, to please God. It's maybe not the worst way to live. But it's definitely not the best way to live either.

I don't know when exactly I took a stance in my own life to stop this mindset that eventually became normal to me. But it stopped. It all came to a halt, a dead end stop, and my life is refreshing and filled with freedom and joy and a strength that I never knew. It sounds cliche. But everything changed. Maybe it's part of growing up, but part of me thinks I could have learned this 5 years ago if I knew it would make so much of a difference in my life.

I began to wear whatever color lipstick whenever I wanted, because I like bright colors and I think it's fun and vibrant and a little bit sassy. I also bought some pretty floral pants the other day. I would have never done that back then. Floral pants were for people that worked at Urban Outfitters, not for people like me. I started ordering new things at restaurants that I had been to a thousand times, not because I was sick of my 'usual' but because if I took a step out to try something new, it might be even better. I started actually saying how I felt in situations that usually I would never speak up in, I realized my opinions and feelings are valid and I should stop neglecting them. I stopped hiding from awkwardness and stopped being afraid of messing up. I became more concerned with being genuine and authentic, being who I was inherently made to me. I began to believe in myself, and in the validity of my dreams and my thoughts and my ideas.

In some weird way, through all of these little instances that may seem unconnected to an outsider, I became way less afraid of my dreams. Less afraid that they were insignificant or unreachable.

I realized that there comes a point in which we question who we are and who we want to be. But in the middle of those two things lies a huge gap. A gap that's filled with our perceived notions of who others tell us we can't be. A gap that's filled with us telling ourselves who we can't be. I wonder how many people miss out on dreams because they think they weren't built for that dream. Or that school. Or that job. Or whatever it may be.

I came up with this conclusion. We don't just wake up day after day to dreams and hopes and longings that aren't our own. The things that we feel strongly about, passionate about, sure of, those things are perhaps ingrained into the core of our being. They aren't a mistake. If you weren't made to love hiking, you wouldn't crave trekking in hiking boots up to waterfalls in the middle of no where. If you weren't made to serve the homeless, you wouldn't have this crazy yearning to be a part of a community and a church in which the homeless are served and valued and cared for and loved. If you weren't made to design, you wouldn't give a crap about the pen tool or the difference between 60 pound and 80 pound paper or the most popular Pantone colors.

Sometimes we forget the simple fact that you are who you are. That we need to stop apologizing for it and stop hiding from our potential. We don't need to care about pleasing the world. It is a uphill battle that you will never win. You will never please the world. We weren't made to please the world.

I was talking to my best friend on the phone about this whole idea last night. The best way to explain it was to say "I would never wake up and think 'I SHOULD BE A SCIENTIST', it just would never happen. I wasn't created to be a scientist. So why would I seek out being one? That would make no sense."

I think some visions and some hopes for our own lives are instilled in us because they are meant to be lived out. Regardless of who others perceive you to be, regardless of your insecurities about pursuing those things. If you wake up every morning and really want to paint, then you should probably learn to paint. If you hate screamo music, you should probably not listen to it. If you dreamed about making a blog, then make a blog already. Stop creating your perfect life in your head and live it instead.